Office Secret Santa
by AimTrekRaider7
Summary: Most of our favourite Hobbit characters work in some office somewhere in this modern AU. It doesn't really matter where; what matters is that they have to do secret Santa! Mainly centred around Elrond and Thranduil, this story also involves some dwarves, a hobbit, another elf and a wizard. Hilarity ensues.
1. Chapter 1

So. I'm a bit of a Grinch at Christmas, but I had a wonderfully festive story idea - this comes from all the times I've had to do secret Santa at school and thought "WHAT DO I BUY? HOW DO I DO THE CHRISTMAS THING?"

This is a modern AU in a generic office setting - for office secret Santa! All your favourite Hobbit characters are here! Except it's mostly about Elrond and Thranduil.

I don't own these characters. If I did I'd make Elrond the main character in everything. But I don't, so he isn't.

Tolkien forgive me.

Names: The drawing of and why no-one actually follows the rules

 _"So you're actually doing a staff secret Santa?"_  
Elrond looked at his phone and sighed. He wasn't sure why he had decided to text his sons about this, as they were likely to find it hilarious. Arwen was busy studying at a friend's house, and in the absence of anyone else to talk to about it he had resorted to starting a group chat with the twins.  
 _"Yes. I'm not sure how well it's going to work, but Gandalf insisted. He mentioned something about getting to know each other being good for teamwork or something."_  
 _His boss was always coming up with these weird and wonderful ideas that he would inflict on his subordinates, and no-one could really say anything to put him off._  
 _"Hmm."_  
 _"That seems so... Gandalf. Why do you never get to work with anyone normal?"_  
Apparently the twins hadn't forgotten the time that Elrond had to save the office from being subjected to 'mandatory Valentines'. He shuddered, remembering the uncomfortable lunchbreak he'd spent in Gandalf's office convincing him that adults were quite capable of displaying affection towards one another when they felt like it, and didn't need to be prodded into sending each other tacky and impersonal cards for his personal amusement. Apart from Thranduil, he couldn't think of anyone else who'd have the nerve to stand up to their boss, and the thought of Thranduil trying to diplomatically resolve that sort of situation...  
 _"My sentiments exactly."_  
 _"Are you going to play by the rules then?"_  
 _"Of course. What with everyone else, someone has to do it properly."_  
He may not have liked the idea of secret Santa, but he wasn't going to 'half-arse' it. That would somehow only make everything worse.  
 _"Oh, I've just realised something great!"_  
Whatever Elladan had just realised, it probably wasn't great.  
 _"What?"_  
 _"Thranduil hates this sort of thing, doesn't he?"_  
 _"He does."_  
 _"And he doesn't exactly know people very well..."_  
Thranduil liked to keep himself to himself. He didn't go to office events, didn't socialise with anyone and definitely didn't like being forced to participate in anything that wasn't absolutely necessary. The only exception to this was his tentative friendship with Elrond, as the two worked together a lot and had sent their children to the same secondary school, meaning that they saw each other often in work and elsewhere. Their children were friends as well, which made their friendship pretty much unavoidable.  
 _"He's not been allowed to opt out, either."_  
 _"Oh no. This is going to be brilliant."_  
 _"You're not here dealing with it!"_  
Thranduil all ready spent most of his time in a bad mood, and the enforced festivities were only going to make him worse.  
 _"You're going to keep us updated though."_  
Of course they were going to ask. It was almost as if they enjoyed hearing about his office misadventures. He wondered whether they were actually documenting his experiences and putting them online somewhere, on some bizarre website...  
 _"Obviously."_

The next day at the office was a subdued one. Everyone seemed deep in thought about what they were going to buy, and no-one seemed too happy about it. Particularly Thorin, who was sat at his desk glowering at the scrap of paper on which the name of the person he was to buy something for was written. On his way back to his desk after getting some lunch, Elrond stopped to talk to him.  
"I take it you're not happy with your person to buy for?"  
"Not happy? Not happy. No, I'm not. I have to buy something for-"  
"You're not supposed to tell people!"  
To be honest though, he hadn't expected anything to actually stay secret. It was only a half-hearted protest anyway.  
"I don't even know what to buy! You know him better than I do!"  
"...Who have you got?"  
Thorin raised an innocent eyebrow at him.  
"I thought you didn't want to know."  
"I'll swap with you."  
The eyebrow was lowered into a suspicious frown.  
"Who've you got?"  
"Swap?"  
"...Fine."  
The suspicion quickly dissipated into relief when Elrond handed him a piece of paper with Tauriel's name written on it. Their secretary was laid back and easy to talk to, as long as you were following work regulations and weren't trying to ask her to repeat when the next meeting was, or when you had to call that client back.  
"Okay. I think I can manage that. She likes games, doesn't she? Uncharted?"  
Elrond had no idea, but nodded anyway.  
"I think so."  
"I'll ask Fili and Kili. They like that sort of thing."  
"Meanwhile I have to think about what to buy for Thranduil..."  
Thorin snorted.  
"Good luck."  
Elrond headed back to his desk in thoughtful silence.

As promised, after getting home and settling down with some tea Elrond got out his phone to update his sons, who would probably be taking a break from causing havoc on their university campus at around this time of day. As it turned out, they had all ready texted him. It looked like they were serious about wanting to be kept informed.  
 _"Did you do the draw today?"_  
 _"Yes."_  
He didn't really see the need for more than a one word response.  
 _"Who'd you get?"_  
 _"Tauriel. Until I swapped with Thorin because he was complaining about who he got."_  
After all the years he had spent describing his unusual co-workers, he didn't need to explain who anyone was.  
 _"Who do you have now then?"_  
 _"Luckily for me, I now have to buy something for Thranduil."_  
 _"That's very lucky. I'd love to know who he has..."_  
He rolled his eyes at the not-so-subtle question.  
 _"I'm not finding out. That's not how this is supposed to work."_  
 _"Aw."_  
 _"Don't you have an essay due?"_  
 _"Don't you have a gift to think about?"_  
Feeling as though the conversation had come to an end, he picked up the book he was working his way through for the umpteenth time. And then put it back down again as Arwen walked in. As a single father, he had grown used to being interrupted whenever he started doing anything he wanted to do, being the only adult in the house. Interestingly enough, the frequency of these interruptions had decreased since the twins had left for university, as his daughter actually had a hobby that didn't involve pestering everyone. Once she had made her hot chocolate, she sat opposite him at the kitchen table. He had explained the situation to her at lunch via text, as Thranduil had seemed too grumpy to maintain a decent conversation.  
"How long did you say you had to think about this again?"  
"Not long."  
"Do you at least know what sort of thing you're going to look for?"  
"No."  
She dropped her eyes down to stare at her drink.  
"Perhaps you could ask Dan and Ro to text Legolas about it? If they still keep in touch, that is."  
"Somehow I don't think that would be very useful. It would rather undermine the whole idea of buying something with one's own intuition."  
"Then I would suggest starting by thinking about the sort of thing he'd like; something useful, amusing, edible or otherwise. You've surely known him long enough to know that."  
"One would think so," he murmured, "but it's still difficult."  
He thought about things that his friend would find useful, but then realised that Thranduil would more than likely have all ready bought anything he would need. He turned his mind to what sort of gifts would be considered 'amusing', but remembered that 'amusing' to anyone else could easily translate to 'insulting' for Thranduil. He then thought about what sort of food or drink would be suitable, but in his mind food often looked like the gift that was given in the absence of any other ideas. One couldn't often go wrong giving someone a good bottle of wine, or some expensive exotic snacks, but that was better suited to people you didn't know very well as it was quite an impersonal thing to give. That left the 'otherwise' category. What was otherwise supposed to mean anyway?

Arwen had noticed his furrowed brows, and came to the correct conclusion that he still had no ideas.  
"Why not think about what he likes to do, and things that relate to that?"  
He mumbled something.  
"What was that?"  
"I said I'm not actually sure what he likes to do."  
"How long have you known him now?"  
"...A while..."  
She gave him the look - his look, actually. The one he reserved for people who had done something rather stupid and who should have known better. She then took a sip of her drink, got up and went back upstairs, probably to start a skype call with her friends. He didn't tell her about the chocolate moustache she'd given herself. He picked up his book again and took a sip of his own drink, which had by now reached the stage at which it was more cold than hot. Grimacing, he poured it down the sink and poured himself a glass of wine instead.

Author's Notes:

-The idea of Elrond being a long-suffering single parent just amuses me so much. Not getting a single moment of peace!

-The things Elrond thinks about buying for Thranduil actually stem from my own thoughts about secret Santa, in that it can be very hard to buy people things that look like you've thought about it, but not too hard.

-I'm not being sexist by making the only woman in the office the secretary, I just genuinely think that she'd want to know exactly what's happening, when and where.

-I also think Gandalf would definitely mess with his employees on special occasions. And the rest of the time as well.


	2. Chapter 2

Thranduil has a bad day and Gandalf can't decorate Christmas trees

Thranduil was not having a good day. Since the drawing of names yesterday he'd been unable to concentrate on anything other than his hatred for light-hearted, friendly social activities. In fact, he'd been so unable to concentrate that he'd gone home that day, showered and changed into something comfortable, all before realising that there wasn't actually anything to eat in the flat. He had been meaning to go food shopping that evening, but it was raining, he'd just dried his hair and he wasn't in the mood to go out again. His bad day started when he woke up late the next morning as he'd forgotten to turn on his alarm, and after throwing on his clothes rushed into the kitchen to grab something to eat before leaving for work. It took him a few seconds of standing there before he remembered again that there wasn't anything to eat, so he turned round and left. It was raining again. His coat didn't have a hood, and he had forgotten to pick up his umbrella. At least his laptop bag was waterproof. By the time he arrived at work he was drenched, so he headed straight to the bathroom to wring out his hair. He wasn't late, but he was cold, wet and hungry, which did nothing to improve his all ready bad mood.  
By lunch he was dry, and he had long since reached the point at which he no longer registered how hungry he was. Kili and Tauriel passed by on their way out to get some food, talking about where they were going to look for Christmas presents. He scowled as they went, irked by their positive attitudes and envious of the fact that they hadn't forgotten their wallets on a mad rush out the front door. Luckily for him, Elrond had all ready been out and come back with enough food to share with him, and as they ate he vented his frustration.  
"Are you not frustrated by this whole thing? I don't know why it's necessary."  
"Because," Elrond said flatly, and in an attempt to pacify the glare he got in return continued, "it's supposed to be fun, Thranduil."  
"It's not. It's a nuisance. I meant it when I said I don't want anyone to buy me anything. People know nothing about me, so they've no chance of buying anything meaningful."  
Elrond said nothing. He appeared to be staring at something. Thranduil followed his line of sight, and his eyes fell upon the most hideous cross-bred failure of festive commercialism and household ornamentation he had ever seen.  
"...Ilúvatar, what is that?"  
He turned to look back at Elrond, but the latter had got up and was walking towards the garish, brightly coloured abomination. It stood at about fourteen inches high, on a table by the secretary's desk, and was smothered in bright blue lights, green tinsel and gold lametta. The tree underneath - for that's what Thranduil eventually realised it was, could have been red, but he wasn't really sure. What he did know was that it was a complete eyesore, and it couldn't stay there. Not where everyone in the office could see it. It was distracting. More to the point, he couldn't actually recall having seen it until now, and he knew he had walked that way earlier. He headed over to Gandalf's office to demand that he remove it, so that whoever put it there couldn't complain about their monstrosity being removed.  
He knocked on his boss's door and went in without waiting for acknowledgement. To his horror, there was Gandalf standing next to a slightly larger, but just as atrociously decorated tree. It looked like he had only just finished 'decorating' it, if it could be called decorating. This lamentable tree was weighed down by poorly-formed plastic snowflakes and a string of lights that could probably have circled the room twice. It was also tilted ever so slightly to the left, and Gandalf was tugging on the top of the tree in a vain attempt to make it stand a little straighter. He looked up as Thranduil opened the door, and said,  
"Thranduil! Can I help you?"  
Thranduil had no words. He shut his mouth that had been hanging slightly open, swallowed and replied,  
"No, I- I've, um, forgotten what I came here for... I'll just... Leave, now."  
"Come and find me if you remember."  
He was going to need more than one glass of Dorwinian tonight.

Sitting at home after finally restocking on food, Thranduil realised he hadn't given any thought towards his secret Santa present. As luck would have it, he had drawn the name of his one friend from the pile.  
 _"I suppose I need to start thinking about that present. I can't not buy something. At least it's just for Elrond. ...If only he wasn't so determined to follow rules - I'd just ask him what he wanted. But no. If he's going to do this properly, I may as well do so too."_  
 _"What could he want, though? He's so practical... I don't know. He's so forgiving that I doubt he'd mind if I didn't buy him anything. I will find something though. He deserves something."_  
He drained his first glass of Dorwinian. The horrors he witnessed at work had drifted to the back of his mind, leaving him free to think about what he was going to buy for his friend.

Meanwhile, Elrond was having no better luck than Thranduil. Once again, he resorted to texting his sons.  
 _"I'm struggling for ideas. Any advice?"_  
 _"You're his friend, you should know!"_  
Well, he didn't know. If he sounded desperate it was because he _was_ desperate.  
 _"You know his son. Hasn't he ever mentioned anything his father likes?"_  
 _"No."_  
 _"Why would he?"_  
Why would a child show any interest in their parent indeed?  
 _"Well, that's a shame. I'll think of something."_  
 _"Think logically."_  
Because that really helped him before.  
 _"He said he didn't want anything..."_  
 _"Maybe not from anyone else. I think he'd be disappointed if his friend couldn't think of anything to get him."_  
 _"I suppose I could think laterally about it. Do something he wouldn't expect."_  
 _"You could use your friendship to your advantage. Instead of buying something you could take him somewhere."_  
 _"Like where?"_  
 _"Take him out for a meal."_  
 _"I'm not sure. He might not like that."_  
 _"He might though. It's more his style."_  
 _"...I could try it."_  
Another decidedly useless conversation. Where was he supposed to take him?

Having no ideas even after his second glass of Dorwinian, Thranduil decided to text Legolas. Surely he'd have an idea.  
 _"You know that horrible tradition people have when in large groups at Christmas?"_  
 _"Which one? The 'being nice to each other' one?"_  
 _"No, I mean the 'secret Santa' one."_  
 _"I thought you said the office weren't doing that?"_  
 _"I thought we weren't."_  
 _"And you've not been allowed to not do it?"_  
 _"Luckily, I only have to buy something for Elrond..."_  
 _"That shouldn't be too hard then. Good luck with it."_  
He didn't seem to be taking the hint. He probably thought it was funny.  
 _"Seeing as I've nothing else to do with my weekend I'll probably spend it thinking about this. Have you any plans?"_  
 _"No. I'll see what happens."_  
 _"...I suppose I'll text you at a later date then."_  
Why did all his conversations with his son end so quickly? It was as though he didn't care about his father's stressful task of coping with Gandalf's celebration mania. He knew that as a father he was a little clingy and overprotective, but that was no reason to brush him aside once they were no longer sharing a home. His next glass of Dorwinian was followed by one of water, and he went straight to bed so that he could forget the day's trauma entirely.

Author's notes:

-I can definitely see Gandalf very seriously decorating Christmas trees, without realising that he's got about as much of an aptitude for it as a two year old who's just thrown decorations at the tree.

-Also Thranduil hating Christmas merriment strikes me as really amusing. Not that he doesn't like a good party; he probably likes classy parties, with less idiots around!


	3. Chapter 3

An armada of desktop Christmas trees

For Thranduil, the next morning was less chaotic than the previous had been. He and Elrond were sat at their respective desks with mugs of coffee to combat the frost that was threatening to seep through the windows. They were both studiously ignoring the sparkly plastic snowflakes hanging from the ceiling, and the mysterious armada of desktop Christmas trees that had invaded the office overnight.  
"Have you had any thought on present ideas yet?"  
The one topic he didn't want brought up. Aside from the terrible decorations that he was afraid to acknowledge for fear that they might be a yearly reoccurrence.  
"Not really."  
"Oh dear. I have plans. Risky ones, but plans nonetheless."  
"Hmm. I need to think about other presents, too."  
"Will you have Legolas home for Christmas? My two haven't the funds to travel so we're going to see them."  
It was typical of Elrond's sons to be broke at such a time. He had brought Legolas up to be very aware of what he had, and how much of it should be kept aside for such events. Although, when he thought about it, he didn't actually know his own son's financial situation, and made a mental note to ask him later. If his son would spare him the time.  
"He's busy."  
"Ah. ...Do you have anything else planned?"  
"Read whatever I buy myself a few days before. Then sleep until I have to go to work again."  
He couldn't see why people made such a fuss about Christmas anyway. It was a day off. Some people had family to celebrate it with, and some... some didn't.  
"...Is there no one else around?"  
"No."  
"What of your parents?"  
"I haven't spoken with them for a long time. They don't even know they have a grandson."  
"...Hers?"  
"Dead."

There wasn't much more to be said after his uncomfortable chat with Thranduil that morning. Instead, he decided to text his sons when he was taking a break from staring at his computer screen.  
 _"So I found out that Thranduil has no plans for Christmas."_  
 _"Are you going to do the cliché Christmas film thing where you offer to cancel your plans to spend the day with him instead?"_  
Images of all the fluffy Christmas romance films that Arwen insisted on watching flashed through his mind and he winced.  
 _"I think he'd find that insulting. He's not really into Christmas, but I get the feeling he's not happy that he won't see his son."_  
 _"He's seriously busy. Like, he's hardly been able to keep in touch."_  
Elrond wondered how much of Legolas' busyness was related to study, work and social commitments, and how much of it was used as an excuse to avoid contact with his father.  
 _"Have you refined your date plan yet?"_  
 _"My what?"_  
 _"...Your secret Santa plan."_  
 _"Thank you. I'm still not sure."_  
The nerve of his sons would never cease to amaze him. What did they think this was, some kind of fluffy, comedic Christmas story? He put his phone aside to carry on working, noticing as he did so that there was something odd about the desktop trees. Thranduil had all ready spotted it and was moving the one on his desk to someone else's as though it were some sort of biohazard. At the same time, Fili and Kili came rushing through the room to reach their desks before Gandalf found out that they'd gone out to get coffee during work hours. They passed either side of Thranduil, but the surprise was enough to make him drop the tree he was holding. It hit the floor and, as Elrond suspected would happen, the tree burst into song, with previously hidden LED lights flashing wildly. It sounded like a rather shrill rendition of 'let it snow', but the sound quality was so poor that he couldn't tell for certain. There was no off switch that he could see on the one next to him, so he assumed that once the tree had been disturbed it would play out its song until it had finished. Trust Gandalf to invest in such useless gimmicks.

By now, Thranduil had sat back down at his desk and put his head into his hands. He looked the picture of misery. Fili and Kili had seen the whole thing transpire, as they'd turned around when they heard the tree go off, and they had that look in their eyes that he had seen on the twins time and time again. They seemed to be planning something...

Author's Notes:

-The singing trees are based on the weird musical animatronic Christmas decoration things that some people seem to like - my grandparents have a little Santa hat wearing mouse they've had for years that sings 'let it snow', and it's just become a sort of naff joke now.

-Thranduil seems the perfect character to have this stuff happen to. Elrond is just too used to the twins creating all sorts of chaos to be that affected.


	4. Chapter 4

A plot is formed and carried out, then punishment is served

On his way out of the office Elrond's 'someone is about to do something I'm not going to like' sense went off - It was a sense he'd developed over the years he'd spent keeping the twins in line. He was passing Gandalf's office, and inside he could hear two young dwarvish voices.  
"...noticed the wonderful job you did with the decorating around here-"  
Here, the other dwarvish voice interrupted.  
"-Especially with those small desk trees-"  
Again, another interruption.  
"-But we noticed that some people just aren't in the Christmas spirit around here."  
Could they be talking about Thranduil? Thorin didn't seem so bothered about the festivities either - like himself, the surly dwarf viewed it as a day or so of family celebration. It was a surprisingly elvish view to take, though he'd never mention that to him.  
"And what do you propose to do about it?"  
Gandalf's voice now rumbled through the door. The dwarves had taken a break from interrupting each other, so it seemed.  
"Well, a good festive prank or two never did any harm, right?"  
Ilúvatar, those two could say anything in front of their boss and get away with it. He seemed to favour the young and carefree over listening to those with actual life experiences to draw from.  
"Go on."  
"We wondered if you'd mind us seeing if we could set all the trees off at once. To see how everyone else will react."  
Oh, Ilúvatar...  
"Hmm. And how are you going to go about doing that?"  
"That's why we came to ask you. We thought you might have an idea."  
Ilúvatar, please... Those trees...  
"I will see what I can do. You might want to be around just before lunch - and no sneaking off early for coffee."  
"...What do you mean? Sneak off?"  
"Yes, Kili, no sneaking off."  
He could tell that the conversation was coming to an end, so he hurried down the stairs and out of the building before they left the room. He would need to call Thranduil about this.

 _"What?"_  
The voice on the other end of the phone seemed bored.  
 _"I heard something at work today on my way out."_  
 _"And I'm concerned because?"_  
That was a little more harsh than he'd come to expect, but with Thranduil's near constant bad mood he'd become used to it.  
 _"Because it concerns you."_  
 _"What is it?"_  
 _"Fili and Kili have spoken to Gandalf about setting all of those damn trees off just before lunch tomorrow. They probably decided to do it then to give people time to cool off afterwards."_  
For a moment, there was nothing but silence at the other end. Eventually, Thranduil spoke.  
 _"Do you think I can get away with calling in sick tomorrow?" "You're never ill." "How much Dorwinian do you think it would take to render me physically incapable of going in?"_  
 _"Please don't hurt yourself over Christmas trees, Thranduil."_  
 _"Well, now that you've said it that way... I suppose I'll be there."_  
 _"Good."_  
That could have gone better.

Though he wasn't in the mood for any more social interaction, Thranduil decided that it would probably be less painful if more people knew about what was coming. With that train of thought, he picked up his phone and idly scrolled through his work contacts. The only name that didn't put a sour taste in his mouth that hadn't all ready contacted him first was Bilbo. He didn't mind the hobbit, and he made a nice contrast from the bluntness of dwarves and the intricacies of elves. He was also very good at baking, which might have affected his opinion a little.  
 _"Something is being planned tomorrow. I think you might know by whom."_  
 _"Like a meeting?"_  
 _"No. Like a prank."_  
 _"Okay... Why are you telling me this?"_  
 _"Consider it my 'good deed for the day'."_  
 _"Right. Well... I suppose I'll get thinking then..."_  
 _"About what?"_  
 _"A counter prank."_  
 _"...I'll just let you get on with that..."_  
To be honest, he didn't really want to know what the hobbit was planning.

Elrond arrived at work early the next morning as the traffic had been lighter than usual, and met Thorin in the office. He said good morning as he walked past, but the dwarf said nothing in response. He shrugged it off and sat at his desk, organising the day's work. Looking at Thorin again, he noticed the small wireless earphones in his ears, hidden from view at most angles by his bushy hair. He shook his head. This was no coincidence. He had obviously been given some hint of what was to come by his nephews. Half an hour later other people started to arrive, and Thorin took his earphones out for a while, but once everyone was in he put them in again. It looked like he wasn't taking any chances, but surely it couldn't be that bad? An armada of tiny shrieking Christmas trees would be irritating, but they wouldn't be too bad, right?  
Wrong. As it happened, what Gandalf could do was to magically rig all the trees to hop at the same time. It did look quite comical to see all of the little trees hop in unison, but the noise they produced was far from comical. It surpassed 'irritating' and went straight to painful. It turned out that not all of the trees played the same tune, which he realised would explain the different coloured bases, and that none of the trees had a particularly good speaker. The songs all sounded suspiciously like they had been 'sung' by children - singing was the polite thing to call it - through a megaphone, and recorded on someone's very old smartphone. Then played at a very high volume. In his previous examination of the screeching trees Elrond had noticed the distinct lack of an 'off' button, but no-one else had been that observant. Tauriel was on the phone when the bedlam started, and with the phone clamped between her head and her shoulder she had picked up the one next to her in an attempt to turn it off. At the other end of the room, Bilbo was also trying to turn the trees off. It didn't seem to have occurred to either of them that leaving the trees alone would end the torment faster. Still plugged in to his music, Thorin had only just noticed the chaos of flashing lights and screaming trees. He picked up the one next to him with a disinterested expression, then set it back down further away where the LEDs were less likely to blind him. Unfortunately, he had picked it up just as it finished its tune so when he put it down, it started again. This process was repeated with Tauriel, who was still trying to work out where the off switch was. Most of the trees had finally finished their caterwauling, but there were still three left playing and flashing. Everyone had by now stopped whatever they were doing to watch as the last trees died down.

After the events just before lunch the atmosphere was a mix of awkward triumph and bad temper. Tauriel had been on the phone to a client and had to explain through the cacophony what was going on. The person on the other end of the phone had apparently listened with good humour, but it had still left their important secretary in a bad mood. Thranduil was sitting at his desk seething, glancing at the clock every few minutes, evidently desperate to leave. Thorin had been pretty much oblivious to the clamour and his nephews had found the whole affair hysterical. Bilbo had just got back from an errand and had leapt into the air when the trees he was passing burst into song, providing the most entertaining reaction by far, and was now at his desk in the corner pulling out a biscuit tin from his oversized backpack. He stood up and said to everyone in the room,  
"Look, I knew something was going to happen today, so I went home and made something to cheer everyone up in case it went a little sour. I made loads, so you can take two or three if you want."  
He moved towards Elrond and a grumpy Thranduil first and offered them the tin, but before they took a biscuit each he mouthed,  
 _"Wait until Fili and Kili have had theirs!"  
_ He winked, and moved on to Thorin, giving him the same message. Tauriel had noticed that no-one had eaten yet, so she smirked as she took a biscuit and put it aside. When he reached the two troublesome dwarves he said,  
"You get yours last for being annoying."  
They hadn't noticed that no-one else had eaten their biscuit, and they hadn't seen the message Bilbo had sent round at the same time. They both took huge bites out of theirs, and their faces quickly turned from amusement to confusion, and then to horror. As their faces changed, the office watched. Revenge had come in the form of decorative salt dough biscuits that Bilbo had been testing the recipe for so he could make some to decorate his tree at home. Before the inevitable laughter started, Gandalf put his head round his office door and said,  
"Did I hear a mention of biscuits?"  
Bilbo smiled sweetly, as it had been Gandalf who had allowed the shrieking tree incident in the first place, and offered him the tin.  
"Have a couple."  
Everyone waited for the realisation to hit. But it never did. Their boss took a bite, and swallowed.  
"A little salty, but a good texture. Thank you."  
With that, he turned and disappeared back into his office. The room was left in dumfounded silence. Bilbo addressed the room again.  
"I make salt dough biscuits to decorate my tree with every year. I decided to try out a new recipe."  
A rather disgruntled Kili asked,  
"How did you know about the trees?"  
"Thranduil texted me."  
"And how did he know?"  
At this, Thranduil put his head up - As it had once again ended up in his hands - and said wearily,  
"Elrond."  
The dwarves turned to Elrond.  
"I was standing outside the door last night."  
"So what you're saying is that basically everyone knew about it."  
"Yes."  
They looked at each other, and then carried on with their work in silence. The rest of the day was, thankfully, uneventful.

Author's Notes:

-I think Bilbo is shrewd enough that he'd love to revenge prank the dwarves!

-Again with Gandalf's weirdness, I can see him eating salt dough biscuits and not realising what they were. Or not caring. Either way, oblivious Gandalf is amusing Gandalf!

-Seeing as Thranduil lives on his own now (in my AU), I think he'd go through a fair amount of Dorwinian to relax after all the office shenanigans.


	5. Chapter 5

Elrond has issues with impulse buying

Sitting once again at his kitchen table, Elrond was staring at the empty plate in front of him. He was certain that, a few moments ago, it had held a stack of biscuits. Now there were none, and the only evidence that the plate may have held anything at all was a few crumbs. He sighed, put the plate in the sink and went through into the living room to find a comfier place to spend his evening. He hadn't noticed earlier that Arwen was all ready there, watching another one of those odd Christmas films. Not that he minded. He could just sink into a state of reverie and wake up when it was over. When he sat down, however, she muted the television.  
"Have you had a bad day at work, ada?"  
"Why do you ask?"  
"You seem more pensive than usual."  
"It could have something to do with to childish dwarves playing an annoying prank with the help of my boss, no less, and it just... I don't know. It was amusing in a way, but it was more of an irritant than anything else. What frustrates me the most is that Gandalf just lets them do it - he encourages it! He takes part in it! I don't mind small things, but it was a huge nuisance, and the fact that those two had the gall to go and ask him to set it up! They can't even set their own tricks up. Whatever creativity their idea originally had was lost in their inability to actually pull it off by themselves anyway-"  
"Ada."  
The look on her face reminded him so much of his wife. He realised that he'd been letting things get to him, even though he thought he'd been calm about the whole affair.  
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't be offloading all of this onto you. You're probably tired of hearing me complain all the time."  
"Actually a lot of it is very funny; it's just that you're tired and working yourself up won't help your rest."  
"Speaking of which, I think I might just go to bed. I'd rather not fall asleep down here."  
His daughter nodded in approval. Sometimes he wondered who the parent was in these situations.

As he was alone in the flat, Thranduil had no-one to tell him he was tired. Somewhere in the back of his mind he was aware of a need for rest, but he was too busy trawling the murky depths of Amazon's 'Christmas Gift Guide'. As if people needed a guide to help them find presents - surely if one was buying a present for someone, one should all ready know them well enough to have wanted to buy them something in the first place. As these thoughts drifted through his sleep-clouded mind it slowly occurred to him that he was a complete hypocrite. With that thought, he slammed shut the lid of his laptop. He was bored of scrolling through endless pages of useless things he was sure that no-one would want, never mind the repetitive sponsored products and irrelevant results that bypassed the filters he'd specified. No, Amazon was not the way to go. He'd have to start thinking about this differently. Whatever differently was supposed to be in this situation. He shifted to a more comfortable position on the sofa and shut his eyes to help him think 'differently'. He woke there three hours later with a stiff neck and no new ideas.

The next day was a weekend, much to Thranduil's relief. After the week he had endured he felt he deserved a rest. He also needed to put some serious thought into his present for Elrond. The office Christmas party was only a few days away, and that was when everyone was expected to present their gifts. It was called a Christmas party, but really it was a few hours in the local pub drinking cheap alcohol and listening to tired Christmas music that didn't sound any better when drunk than it did when sober. He had managed to avoid it in recent years, but now that he had a present to give it seemed unavoidable. Still, there was always the hope that he could slip out and go home before he was missed. Come to think of it, maybe he could convince Elrond to slip out with him. Maybe they could go out for dinner somewhere that had a better taste in music. Yes, he had planned to stay conventional with his secret Santa present, but really, short of actually asking what he wanted, this seemed like the next best thing. He would still be choosing the location and paying for everything, but he could leave the decision making about the specifics of the matter to Elrond. Unconventional as a plan it may have been, but it was all he could come up with a few days before the dreaded 'party'. The only problem he could think of that he may encounter was if Elrond actually wanted to go to the party after all. He knew that his friend didn't like to drink much in case there was a family emergency, but he didn't mind socialising for a while every now and again. He would just have to hope that the offer of food would be more tempting than the alcohol. The question was, where would they go?

Looking at the list he'd written of potential places they could go to eat, Elrond was still not convinced. It didn't feel like the idea fitted with the usual 'ethos' of secret Santa. The whole point of the thing was to buy someone something mildly useful or entertaining, without much meaning or deep thought. The problem was that Thranduil didn't like 'mildly useful or entertaining', and he wouldn't see the value of anything that had no proper thought put into it. It was missing the point of the whole affair, but it was the way Thranduil was.  
Instead of sitting at home and stewing over where they could go to eat, he decided to go out and make a last ditch attempt to find something for his friend that didn't just scream 'I didn't know what to buy'. Along the local high street he knew there were a few shops that might have exactly what he was looking for - not that he knew what that was. The first place he went to was a book shop. He spotted a book titled 'Christmas and you: a self-help guide to make the festive season less of a chore' and flicked through it, wondering whether it was worth risking their friendship just to tell Thranduil he was too grumpy. He quickly decided against it, and moved on. Next he found a book that seemed to go into great detail about hair styling and different types of braids, cuts and accessories. It looked rather promising until he was pushed aside by a tired looking mother and two young girls, who made their way over to a stand piled high with children's colouring books. He looked up, and realised he'd wandered into the children's section. More specifically, the section stocked with books for little girls. It was strange, though, to find such a detailed book on the same shelf as 'Fairy Princess Magic: Sparkling bedtime stories for little girls'. He put the book back and nonchalantly wandered out, knowing that people would assume he was looking for something for his daughter, but feeling awkward all the same. The smell of icing and fresh bread met him as he stepped out of the shop, and he went to look in the window of the nearby confectionery. His mouth watered as he looked longingly at the treats on display, but he hadn't come out to buy delicious looking slabs of chocolate with dried fruit flakes in a little box with pieces of vanilla fudge...  
He left the confectionery with a bag of chocolate and fudge, trying to convince himself that he had bought it for Arwen. Or at least to share with her. Regardless, he had come out to find a present for Thranduil, and had essentially ended up buying himself a bar of chocolate. He wandered further down the high street, hoping that he'd get a good feeling about one of the shops he walked past. Eventually he did find a shop that gave him a positive feeling, if only for the fact that it was owned and run by a friend of his. The local antiques emporium was one of his favourite shops as he had a fascination for old books and random items that had no use in modern life. He greeted his friend as he entered and made his way over to the bookcases at the back that housed the sort of books he enjoyed so much. Ten minutes later he was carrying an armful of books over to the counter to pay for them, and he still had no present for Thranduil. When he reached the counter he noticed something on a desk behind it that was being prepared for display. It was so unusual that he had to ask about it.  
"Will that be for sale?"  
"It will. I didn't think it was your sort of thing though."  
"It's not, but I think it might be just the sort of thing that I want to give a friend for Christmas."  
"Ah. It would suit him well."  
"How do you know who I'm talking about?"  
"I don't think you know anyone other than Thranduil who could wear this."  
"You're probably right about that."  
The shop keeper handed him the circlet that had sat on the desk behind the counter. Elrond examined it closely, but found no flaws. It was an impressive headpiece that had a regal air to it, and he felt it would suit Thranduil entirely.  
"How much?"  
"£175."  
"A little more than one would usually pay for a secret Santa present, but I think it's worth it."  
"He's your friend."  
Elrond paid and left for home, as he had finally found what he needed.

Author's Notes:

-I've never suffered from impulse buying (because I'm such a tightwad!) but I can imagine Elrond getting distracted from his task really easily and ending up buying a pile of stuff he didn't need. Then trying to convince himself that he did need it, somehow.

-Buying Thranduil a circlet not only references the book and films nicely, but seems like the perfect thing to give him. He can buy his own alcohol, books and whatever else, but I think he'd draw the line at buying himself a circlet. At least in public, anyway. He'd probably have a long list of bookmarks for online sellers.

-Thranduil would probably have no real care for the social norms of buying secret Santa presents. It's just so much more him to simply go out with a friend instead of trying to find some meaningless piece of tat to buy them.


	6. Chapter 6

The office Christmas party

The time had come. The day of the office Christmas party. Gandalf had given everyone permission to wear whatever they wanted into work as they'd only be working for half the day. Thranduil, as usual, had completely ignored this, and was dressed in a smart shirt and trousers. The dwarves had all come in wearing jeans and t-shirts, looking so scruffy that it almost made him cringe. He actually did cringe when he saw the short dress that Tauriel was wearing - not for the fact that he felt it was almost impractically short (which it was) or because that shade of neon green was just a little too bright for her (much too bright, actually), but because the light shower of rain that had been forecast for that day had turned into a torrent, accompanied by a howling gale that would likely blow straight through his thick winter coat. He shuddered to think about how cold and wet she would end up by the time they reached the pub later. Bilbo and Elrond had both disregarded the 'wear whatever you like' rule too, and had come in their usual work clothes. As Gandalf walked through the office that afternoon he shook his head at the messy attire of the dwarves, raised an eyebrow at Tauriel's garish dress, then tutted at the lack of enthusiasm shown by the two older elves and the hobbit.  
He approached the pile of presents under the tree by Tauriel's desk. The tree looked no better than it had the week before, but everyone had grown used to the eyesore by now. The presents were wrapped in brown paper, a rule imposed by Gandalf to prevent people guessing from whom the different presents came. There were six of them - wrapped with varying levels of competency - and one envelope, all with labels printed from the office label machine. For some reason, Gandalf was taking anonymity very seriously. He had with him a plastic shopping crate and began to stack the presents inside. He paused when he reached the envelope and looked at it thoughtfully. Some of the best presents could come in the smallest of forms, right? Thranduil watched as the envelope was slipped into the crate, wondering if Gandalf instinctively knew from whom the envelope came and if he would end up in his boss' office being lectured on good will and generosity. For all his boss knew it could be a £100 gift voucher in there. It wasn't like they were in school, and he could be given detention. He decided he was irrationally concerned about the whole thing, and sullenly trudged out of the office with everyone else.

On the way to the pub, which was conveniently within walking distance, Kili had pulled a Santa hat seemingly out of nowhere, and with the wind tearing its way through the streets was struggling to keep it on his head. Fili had also produced a hat out of nowhere, but had the sense to put his hood up as it was still pouring with rain. He looked odd, but no more odd than the troop of teenage girls walking along the street wearing impractically short skirts and jackets that looked about as waterproof as a sponge. Elrond shook his head as they walked past, grateful that he had never had to stop Arwen from wearing anything so useless in such dire weather. As they rounded a corner into the town square a particularly strong gust of wind ripped the hat from Kili's head and into the windshield of a nearby car, causing it to swerve violently and crash into the town Christmas tree. He shrugged and scratched his nose, sniggering slightly as the lights on the tree flickered and went out as the tree slowly toppled over. Had Thranduil been sitting down he would have put his head in his hands, but as he was walking along a slippery pavement pushing through the cold wind, he had to make do with rolling his eyes with a pained expression. Elrond just hoped that their difference in clothing would prevent people from thinking that they were in any way associated with the two young dwarves. He noticed Bilbo further ahead desperately trying to hold Gandalf's attention so he wouldn't notice the collapsed tree.  
Eventually, they made it to the pub. As Thranduil had predicted, Tauriel was indeed shivering slightly with the cold and entirely soaked through. Thorin merely gave her an 'I told you so' look, though he probably hadn't noticed the glaringly obvious dress until that moment, and Kili pushed him aside to give Tauriel his jacket that was decidedly less wet. Thranduil was glad that he'd spent a little more on a proper coat that was as warm as it was classy. Gandalf had exchanged a few words with the bartender, and the bartender pointed to a group of tables in the far corner. While everyone else was ordering their drinks , Thranduil nudged Elrond.  
"I wouldn't bother."  
Elrond blinked, confused.  
"What, get something to drink? Why?"  
"Just wait a little."  
"What for?"  
"Just wait."  
He turned to follow Gandalf to their tables while Elrond followed, unsure of what was being planned.  
Once everyone was seated, Gandalf stood up to hand out the presents that had, surprisingly, escaped the adverse weather unscathed. The first present he handed to Tauriel. As she unwrapped it she noticed Thorin watching her closely.  
"Is this from you?"  
"Yep. Well done for getting it straight away."  
Tauriel's smile widened into a grin as she unfolded a jumper with the Uncharted logo on it. The jumper quickly replaced Kili's damp jacket. The next present was handed to Kili. He tore off the paper and stared in awe at the large book of practical jokes he had just revealed. Bilbo called over,  
"Merry Christmas, Kili! Just don't use any of those at work!"  
"This is from you?"  
"'Course it is."  
"Thanks!"  
Fili's present came from Tauriel, and it was a box of traditional practical joke props. It seemed that she and Bilbo had worked together on their ideas. There was a tiny box for Thorin, and inside was a high capacity USB stick and a £20 iTunes voucher - Kili had noticed Thorin's constant grumbling about never having enough space to keep all of his music in one place and had taken it upon himself to solve the problem once and for all. The penultimate box was for Bilbo, and it turned out to be an ingenious way of storing different types of tea bags. For all it sounded boring, it pleased the hobbit to know that he had an organised way of storing his many types of tea without having a mountain of boxes in his cupboard. He was even more pleased to hear that Fili had put it together himself, having heard that Bilbo was an avid tea drinker. The final box was for Thranduil, who looked at it with a raised eyebrow. Elrond watched with anticipation as his friend opened the box.  
The circlet was, in a word, perfect. Nestled in a pile of tissue paper and glinting in the dim light. The stone in the centre was one he didn't recognise, but the smooth curves of wire that flowed from it with small thorns evenly spaced throughout formed a woodland style that felt very much familiar. Thranduil noticed the impatient shuffling as everyone tried to see what was in the box. He hadn't moved since opening it, or formed any sort of readable expression. He slipped it out of the box so everyone could see it. Elrond watched with satisfaction as their colleagues exchanged bewildered looks, and asked quietly,  
"Are you going to try it on?"  
Thranduil was still examining it, turning it over to see it at every angle and watching the light change the colour of the centre piece ever so slightly as it moved. He looked up as Elrond spoke. He was the only person who seemed unsurprised by what he had unwrapped. And the only person who had yet to explain what he had bought.  
"This was from you?"  
Elrond nodded. Thranduil adjusted his hair and set the circlet on his head. He turned to his friend, who shifted it round slightly so it sat centred on his forehead, then moved a few stray hairs out of the way. If it was unusual as a secret Santa present, it was even more unusual as something one would wear in public. Thorin snorted at the spectacle of the grumpy elf sitting still as someone else fussed over his hair and shiny new piece of jewellery. The sound jerked the two elves back to reality, as Thranduil had been watching Elrond squint at his new headpiece as if trying to work out why it seemed so familiar... They noticed the knowing looks between everyone else, particularly the nudges between Fili and Kili, who received a glare from Thranduil.  
Gandalf intervened before harsh words could be thrown about.  
"Well, if you two are finished..."  
He trailed off as Thranduil's glare swung round to him, but started again when the hand he'd reached into the crate found the envelope in the bottom.  
"There is one last gift. Elrond, this is yours."  
He took the envelope and wasted no time in opening it. He didn't really care about the contents, as he had been more concerned about watching everyone else open their own presents. It could only have been from Thranduil, so he wasn't expecting much from him. Opening the envelope he could feel Thranduil watching him, waiting for his reaction. Inside was a note that said 'Dinner? You choose, I'll pay. Or I can get you an Amazon voucher... Or something...'. Once again, everyone else began to fidget with impatience. He held the note up.  
"It looks like I've got somewhere else to be," he said, and to Thranduil he continued with, "unless you want to stay a while?"  
"No."  
"That's that, then."  
They stood up and left, leaving the others dumbfounded.

After deciding where to go for dinner and getting seated rather quicker than they had expected, they were left alone for a few minutes. Now that they were settled, Thranduil wasted no time in asking his biggest question.  
"Why the circlet?"  
"I felt it would suit you."  
"It does. It fits perfectly, too."  
Elrond now took the opportunity to ask,  
"Why this?"  
He gestured at the restaurant around them.  
"Why not? I felt the memory of this would hold more value than some cheap trinket."  
"You really should try going to other places than Amazon, you know. I found that circlet in an antiques emporium."  
"I hate buying presents."  
"I can tell."  
Their waitress arrived with their drinks, and took their orders for their main courses. She walked away with a badly concealed smile. Thranduil, in his irritation, asked Elrond while she was still within earshot,  
"Why does everyone think we're dating?"  
Elrond sighed.  
"I don't know. I buy you an expensive piece of jewellery and you invite me out for dinner - what are people going to think?"  
"All I wanted was to do something better than buy a rubbish present!"  
"I know, I know."  
Thranduil put his head in his hands. Maybe next year they could convince Gandalf to let them off random gift buying, as it seemed to have brought nothing but misunderstandings that year. He shifted when his phone vibrated. Looking at it, he buried his head further into his hands, if that was possible. He nudged it towards Elrond and growled,  
"What exactly have you been telling your children?"  
The message he had just received was from Legolas, and it read,  
 _"So I heard you were on a date? How's it going?"_  
Elrond winced.  
"My sons actually suggested that I invite you out. It just so happened that I wanted to have a look round to find you something instead. They were the ones calling it a date, and I did ask them not to."  
"And they told Legolas."  
"It appears so."  
They sat in silence until their food arrived.  
By the time they finished their meal they were talking again. Even if it was just about how Thranduil was going to reply to his son. He was quite willing to send a strongly worded reply disillusioning his son, but Elrond thought it would be better to explain things without the provocative swearing. Eventually it was decided to follow Elrond's plan, and explain the situation first.  
 _"If the twins told you that Elrond would be taking me out for dinner, you are mistaken. He found something to buy for me, and I decided to invite him out instead. The word 'date' is not applicable here."_  
The reply came back quickly.  
 _"Not convinced."_  
They looked at each other. Hesitantly, Elrond asked,  
"He's not drunk, is he?"  
Thranduil glared at him.  
"Not only is that highly unusual for him, he would never be so at this hour of the day."  
"I had to ask."  
The bill arrived, Thranduil paid and they left. It was a good afternoon out, even if they couldn't convince anyone they weren't in a relationship. They parted ways and returned to their homes, both formulating plans as to how they would correct everyone's misinformation. Next Christmas would not be so... Frustrating.

Author's Notes:

-So yeah. A nice little(?) Christmassy story as a Christmas present for anyone who wants to read it. Reviews are welcome, hate will be looked at with confusion (unless it's constructive criticism), because really, who doesn't love some hobbit related, Elrond and Thranduil centred randomness?

-The mountain of boxes of tea bags is a genuine phenomenon encountered in houses where multiple people want to try lots of different types of tea and aren't quite sure what to do with the rest of the box when they realise they don't like it. I.E. our pantry at home had a huge pile of boxes of tea that we never drank because half of them tasted weird.

-Also I like the idea of everyone thinking that Elrond and Thranduil are in a relationship, and the two of them having no idea as to how to convince everyone they're not!


End file.
